I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
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At least broken people are interesting. You can鈥檛 fix boring.
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I鈥檓 not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
2 years later
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you鈥檙e trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
馃槀 amazing answer
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0掳 weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
What about second breakfast?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.