“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
An odd boast
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
sry
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
the three branches of government
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’