[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
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When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.