You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
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“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
☠️☠️☠️
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
is this a warning or an offer?
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?