My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
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Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
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[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
oh shit
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.