*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
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i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me