The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
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I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
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I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk