A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
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I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.