A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
You Might Also Like
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
me doing my best
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories