singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
HR said no more nunchucks.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”