If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
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[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.