got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
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[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
this post was so formative to me
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.