I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
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explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Fight
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable