Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
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I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever