[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
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[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.