My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
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I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.