“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
You Might Also Like
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I’m giving up for Lent.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)