Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
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please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Ape together strong
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Not today
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates