Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
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Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
lmao
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.