Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
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Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?