I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.