2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
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That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
so i’m at the stock market right
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I occasionally drink every single night.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.