Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
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A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it