Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
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Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker