[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
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Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.