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I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?