i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
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My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza