genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
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I鈥檇 walk over cotton balls for you
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I鈥檝e got bad news for you.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Namaste
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I鈥檓 so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Baby formula = dad x mom 馃え
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
all i鈥檓 saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don鈥檛 understand you as a person
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I鈥檓 a screenwriter
I realize I鈥檓 struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn鈥檛 planning on living this long