[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
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5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
The fall of Netflix
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs