[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
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barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell