The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Lucky old June.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.