You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
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Cat armor
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Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
my sentiments exactly
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.