Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
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A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
This 4th of July, please remember…
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
those birds must be on payroll
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok