[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
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You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
me when I see my crush
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
It was worth a shot 😂
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
They also CAN sing✌️
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED