I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
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Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
God has left this place
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?