*pronounces woah like Noah*
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suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure