I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.