I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
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At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
HELP 😭
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.