There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
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I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me too door. Me too.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*