“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.