Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
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Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…