This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
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me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?