Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
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Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again