Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
i hope my email finds you on fire
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.