[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
You Might Also Like
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?