Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
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*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”