“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
You Might Also Like
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
[at the general store]
me: one general please
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Sorry. Not sorry
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
looks legit
Something Saturday.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.