If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
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What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.