Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
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SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
one of
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.