it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
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“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
That eye roll….
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.